Why do women simulate sexual
pleasure?
A women magazine would not deserve its name if it did not provide some
pages about “sex”, for which it does not hesitate to gather
a armada of specialists. The problem, it is that one does not agree
always with them. The topic, for example, “why do women simulate
pleasure? ” would be a very good intention if it did not lead
to make them feel guilty… the French women magazine “Jasmin”,
in its recent issue of last May 14, publishes an article which we wanted
to question, because we contest the specialists positions.
We have seen, read, and we did
not enjoy
Why
women do not feel pleasure (and it is well done for them)?
Summer has come, sweet is the sun and bikini throne in the closet. In
two words: if you please, dear sexologists, you’d better go to
the beach than write books. The article “Why women do simulate
the pleasure?” published by “Jasmin”, on May 14, 2007,
seemed to us sufficiently worthy of interest to appear in this heading.
Of the very big fault of the women
The first reading intrigues, the second leaves perplexed, but the sex
therapist blessing confirms: the failure of the sexual relation falls
to you completely. To you, to us, in brief, to the women. If we were
not so resigned and, admit finally, idle, the men, full of willingness,
would be extraordinary lovers! Indeed, it appears from this paper that
our men, certainly a little bit fast, are shamefully deceived by the
naughty girls we are. As " multifunction Kitchen Aid robots "
so complicated to use, why do not we teach our user manual to our partner?
Why do we work so hard to deceive him by sending him on wrong tracks?
By fear, shame, or by pure wickedness? Because here is indeed the drama,
the terrible judgment: we are " mediocre mistresses". Let
us hope, dear women, that you will have understood the lesson, and that,
eaten away by well deserved fault, you will not forget this evening
to put the situation in good hands and to sincerely involve yourself
in this delicate task. And if that does not work, keep silent because
you have made errors: so it’s up to you to consult our dear sex
therapists, they will explain to you finally in what you are wrong and
why you are so bad.
This interesting point of view does not nevertheless explain why women use simulation, the topic supposed to be study in this article. In front of this question, the shame and the fear appear of mediocre explanations: there are doubtless sharply more women who feign than ones who really feel pleasure with their partner. The resignation, for its part, indeed has got an origin!
Should I remind that the majority of women rarely feel pleasure? Most of them think first of the love they feel for their partner. Now, thus let us have a look on the small yellow insert situated at the left of the article and we shall notice that the problem can be also the man’s one. In big violine letters of 2cm of height, you can read: 14,6 minutes. We would have been able to laugh at it, but and all this miss precision, and appears a same conceited mere nothing. Apparently, these "almost 15 minutes" have to include the time of route up to the room, the closure of drapes (by counting the moment when the slide channel is clamped in the rod), and the undressing (including bootees with laces). Can we seriously assert that this time is sufficient so that a woman experiences some pleasure? Manifestly yes, because the literature on the question seems to believe that, when a problem appears, it belongs to the women to cope with. The woman's magazines, in particular, do not stop encouraging them to take care of the sexuality of the couple, as if it only depends on themselves. Buy sex toys, perfumes and sexy lingerie, put some background music, try new love position, do not be so stupidly shy! Obviously, if you have only of 15 minutes at most, you must be very healthy and quick to achieve these erotic tasks…
Anxiety, love and simulation
Let us stop joking. Aren’t women enough guilty, is it necessary
to add some more? The simulation occurs at first for that reason: women,
deeply influenced by the fact that certain authors called " the
tyranny of the pleasure " (Jean-Claude Guillebaud), believe they
are responsible for their misfortune. Everything around us magazines
and their pseudo testimonies, films and advertisements, reports, culture
itself, offer us infinite examples of a sexuality where the woman is
easily and naturally satisfied. Many girls are convinced that their
sexuality will follow obviously this “normal” way (because
they believe that the media supported sexuality is " normal “).
When things turn differently, in the majority of the cases, it causes
a painful surprise.
And then, woman imagines that she is not “good” enough,
not enough “sexy”. It is thus already, and for a long time,
of their fault. Moreover, they would not simply "be abnormal"?
unable to (feel) some pleasure despite all the conditions are gathered?
Here is the problem, and these thoughts will soon require to feign her
pleasure. The women are not so passive as it is often claimed; who doubts?
But when sex does not work, they take often inequitably the responsibility
of the failure.
You should not forget either that men and women do not give the same
meaning to their sexuality. These last ones, much more than their partner,
give naturally a strong relational and emotional dimension to their
sexuality. A woman listens to her companion and at first tries to please
him. From there, sometimes, if they do not feel the expected pleasure,
they simulate it: " the poor man, he does his best, it is not his
fault if I feel nothing! ". The women are satisfied at first to
feel the man who they love in their arms. The men, on the contrary,
are at first ego focused, they need to think about that before judging
women. It also belongs to the man to be enough interested in his partner
to understand that, even if she shouted a lot, it is impossible for
her to enjoyed an orgasm in 5 minutes 45 …
The women are often
more conscious than the men of the necessity of improving the relation.
It thus belongs henceforth to them to make the effort to self- control
and to listen to their partner. The dialogue is always an essential
element of the couple. It is not evident to speak during the sexual
intercourse. Some imagine a sort of GPS :" Yes, no, not like that
… No, that hurts that. Check that makes nothing. ") isn’t
it a brilliant use of this brilliant technology? … It is better
to speak about it before, or later. According to “Jasmin”,
most of men are not supposed to think after love.
Focused towards his own pleasure, he probably should have forgotten
that he was not alone … Damned! For a large majority, sex is nothing
but a better masturbation…
The sexuality, to be satisfying, needs at first a dialogue, and not
only the convergence of two partners towards the pleasure of only one.
It belongs to the men to understand it, and with a little of willingness
they are completely capable of it. At this level, they will doubtless
agree with me so that we stop considering them as poor small instinctive
animals driven by their hormones: that is hardly developing.
As sexuality is first a relation between two persons, based on communication,
the success or the failure cannot be the fault of only one of them.
Each member of the couple is responsible for the erotic quality of their
sexuality. So, women should better stop carrying alone this burden.
It can indeed be at the origin of a fear which, anyway, will block any
opportunity to enjoy pleasure. The dialogue and the communication remain
essential elements for the satisfaction of both partners. Men have a
big work to be made on them to become more conscious of the real expectations
of their partner and… In every case, Ladies and Miss, stop feeling
guilty!
Régulièrement, le fabricant de préservatif Durex fait des enquêtes dur la sexualité, e 2004, 41 pays et plus de 350000 personnes avaient apporté leur témoignage. Les chiffres cités dans l'article proviennent d'une enquête réalisé de Août à Septembre 2006 auprès de 26000 personnes, on en lira aussi la synthèse qu'en présente L'Express dans son édition web du 27 Juin 2007.
The datas come from a survey driven by Durex (in 2004 another global survey had involved 350000 people and 41 countries), 26000 people answered the questions. The french magazineL'express publishes a good synthesis of it on the June,27,2007
