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A private talk...

by Catherine Cisinski, painter, art thérapist

Caroline, 43 years divorced five years ago, she talk to her friend Bénédicte, that she would like “to start a new life”. Recently, she decided to use this modern means “meetic”, a web dating service. She “works” at it each weekend, but does not feel very at ease: Impossible mission?  :

- It is truly “impossible mission” says to me Caroline. How could I know with which one deals among all these men? Dreadful job! A little like shop window, but what a huge non ending store.
-You are right! Nevertheless, you have got many selcetion criteria.
- Perhaps, but each one can invent an image, a life, and even intentions. How can I be sure to approach a sincere man?
- Because you suppose that men you meet at the corner of the street, or at a coffee terrace, or at work, give you better guarantees?
-It is not that, but it is different, considering, in daily life, the goal is not showed. On the web, the principle is to announce clearly the intentions, before any date. Each one reveals its loneliness and what he misses. I.e., a partner in the best of the cases, one seeks simple love affair, one seeks to widen its own buddy circle , like rebuilding its personal window and never choose… How can I know that he does not make fun of me? And then, how can I know he is not mad, you see? You can meet a “sex maniac”, or somebody who only wants to make financial deal. At last, it is not a joke, what you offers this unknown man, it is all your life. You do not realize! !

- Inevitably I do! What is clear, it is that this dating mean, has as a virtue to contract space and time and bring to you here and now what you hope. Whereas, on contrary, in the real life, it would had taken an incredible time, don’t it? - You are right. It is concentrate. But for this reason it is even more interesting to risk. In fact, no matter what you say, you are “blind” facing the invisible man!!!!
- Not really! You’re wrong! At the corner of the street, or at a coffee terrace, you deal with passers by. While on Internet, by definition, these “freeze frames” give you time to observe. People choose to represent themselves. Their intellectual level, their social background, in fact, their ego is speaking. Narcissism is a natural instinct in this case. Everybody is concerned and searches how to emphasize one’s qualities, how to convince, seduce the other and lead the person to one’s own purposes, in other words, it’s manipulating. Consider that like a role play.

-Finally, it is very funny! But it is your life that is on play! Perhaps your wrong starts with this dramatization. We spoke about concentrate, a few moments ago. “The plays of the love and the chance” are not a virtual myth. It is indeed the play which the real life proposes to you in love, with no insurance against any risk? Launch your “air-brakes” before starting. But if you look attentively at these advertisements, you will see that you are not only. They all are as afraid as you are. It is what is read through their words. Look at well.
- Where do you see that, you?
- First, you can select the men who show theirs photographs. I admit this is not really brave, since you, you have chosen not to do the same. It looks like a cheat, doesn’t it?
- Yes, but I do not want persons who know me could see me on this kind of website.
- Do you imagine that you are the only one to use this kind of website, much of people who cross you in the daily life just like you miss some love. Therefore, why dramatize a similar attempt?
- Because I see nothing there. I do not have any reference mark to contact a person and that I feel like I am naked and straitly and blindly throwing myself in the lion's jaws .

 

- - The man that you’re searching shares the same posture as you, doesn’t he? Moreover, you do not even show yourself. Finally, you should stop fishing the “male” Looks at attentively.
- You see, there are key words, in your search criteria. What do you want? A creative man liking fantasies and imagination? Then, write in the small box: “creative”. And you’re done! First selection. You can see all those which in their advertisement used this word. Did you see? Here are numbers of teachers, writers, artists, psys, theatrical people... Amazing, isn’t it?
-Yes, you are right. It is incredible, that!
- Yeah! Even in the virtual world, the Earth men speak to Earth men. And you are part of the conversation.
- Yes, but what are they doing there? Aren’t they lost? And why?
- Just like you, they are surrounded by couples or, they are insulated because of professional constraints and always like you, they suffer not to be loved. Even with the SPA ( in France SPA is a charitative association for lost pets), you will find dogs which dream of love. There is nothing unusual.

- That does not explain to me how I’ll recognize those which are sincere among “those which are not clear”. But finally, the proportion of these people is the same one as that concerning your life of the every day.
- There is a cruel but simple mean, not only for the ugly ones. But, the ideal vision a priori is not prohibited. You only go towards those whose face attracts you. After this sympathy setting, you will read their advertisement. Take your time before to refine your first impression.
- Only a few of them fit in my criteria!
-Everyone is not photogenic. Do what they did themselves. Because each one had thought before showing an image of himself which corresponds to him, i.e. an image able to signify what he wants to let you know, consciously or not. This choice is essential both for him and for you who select or not. You prefer the smiling men? O.K. Sure, they are more sympathetic. But note that others who do not smile are not necessarily bad. Observe the glance. Those who seem more attractive to you, more flattering, look at their eyes? Do they look present? You see, it is not always adequate. Some smiles reveal a deep sadness.
-Oups! I would not like to discover behind him, a crowd of pains ready to invade the future.
- Then, you zap!

Look at the context of the photograph. Have you seen that? Many of them have chosen holiday pictures, with a maritime horizon behind them, well tanned, of course! They show themselves in bath clothes, like “object of desire”. That already gives you an idea of their relation to their body and their real immediate desires. Others seem on the contrary more secret, in the search of a true encounter. Some choose a picture of them at home, thus showing “their interior”. It belongs to you to judge the mood of these people. Aren’t they a little old fashioned, sitting at the fire place. Do you like? If you don’t, you just have to zap! Ah, some are shown at their office right in front of their library. Interesting, isn’t it? There, you are sure that they know what is a book. Arrgh! That one does not look bad but you suddenly realize that a feminine hand lays on his shoulder, as if he had cut out the photograph of his past loves. Not very elegant. You zap!

What is funny when several pictures are offered, it is that no man resists to put one of his youth, if… it is for better admiring the good-looking young man than it was, my child! However, it is today that, the fop such as it became interests you. The youth nostalgic ones, the narcissistic ones blocked in the research of wasted time, you zap! … These only wait to be seen in your glance. The woman herself, pff….

Others are frankly funny. Here they are on their big-engined car, very proud of their motor bike, or of their beautiful boat, or sitting on the cap of a splendid racing car. Otherwise, a beautiful residence, there, just behind them! … Ah, admit that is significant about what they really enjoy, what about their social and material image of themselves. For them, all these “details” count! The required lady will necessarily be “a beautiful plant” and altogether, rather flexible, even admiring the MAN. Look at the words they use. Some seem so sure of their flattering image, that they are satisfied and do not condescend to write only a single word. While others indeed, describe you the woman of their dreams! A mixed of bimbo and top model who won’t cause any problem! You zap! But notice after all that only a few “ passers by” remain, these ones are simply registered, they do not cheat. This concept of “passers by” is precious because it closely reflects the natural conditions to the daily life.
- Do you mean I have to read the advertisements between the lines?


- Yes, that’s easy, I suggest to catalogue them! You have that which describes you such a precise and ideal image of the Woman, it’s clear, he prefers keep on dreaming about Her rather than try to meet a real, existing and accessible one. Of course, you zap! Do not disturb him because he feels too comfortable, sitting behind his PC screen, the virtual catalogue become his battle field!. All dating websites provide him with an extraordinary catalogue that he could never have built himself and the simple act of turning the pages, appears an object of indescribable pleasure. He is very happy like that.
You also find those who can’t heal of his first love (perhaps even he miss his mother…) This type of man thinks that others always cause his problems, all these inaccessible women are nothing but perfidious creatures. What an aggressiveness! Have you seen? “And those women who dare complain, he will not answer, and advise them to search another victim!
The pervert, for his part, defies you with a few words. The challenge is for you!He wants you to do impossible things to seduce him. Reciprocity is unknown in his world. If you want to go on, it is up to you to hide your own desire to be looked at and loved, and to devote time and energy to find how Master will agree to open his heart. So many resistances, show you that you’ve lost the game before beginning, he find his pleasure in this game . Do you want him?
There is the romantic one. Yes, that exists and no doubt,he is much more romantic that any woman… He floats in his daydreams. He will quote Baudelaire or Aragon, or even words of the most obsolete songs, because he does not have words with him to tell you his aspiration to love the woman in an ideal way. Indeed, he could seem very attractive. But, do not forget that he is deeply inhibited, you see what I mean?
He never really dared to explore this different body, he considers as dark and frightening abyss; he never dare approach this so romantic and odd heart, she must be. So he remains struck in front of the love task and hesitate, hesitate! Obviously he suffers. Do you feel like reeducate him and make him discover the pleasures of sensuality? Because such is the work to be started. You zap? O.K!

There, it is even sadder. These men announce that they do not believe in anything, that they have been forced to register. And if you want to prove the opposite , the only thing you get is o be contaminated by their depressive mood.
You also can meet the noncommunicating one. At the beginning, he affirms that he cannot speak about him. In a platonic way, he works out a unimportant description of him… because it does not mean anything in its eyes as a preliminary. That one waits for your maternal devotion, to make him happy. Do not hope his involvement in your own happiness: He is certain that his own happiness will make you happy! Go away!
Ah! Some do not lack of humor. They make stylistic effects more or less elegant and do not hesitate, before throwing you in the battle, to discuss about all the questions we are discussing here and now. Except that they show you that they laugh at it, considering this “ dating job” as a game. Aren’t they wright? Play to answer them, using their owns words and strategies. Nothing is more efficient to reveal the coherence of their quest. First moments have to be done on the pleasure mode. It is the best base to build a relation, isn’t it?
Caroline, here you are! Go fishing and as fast as possible try to really meet them. Thus, you soon will be in the usual situation of face to face, with your clear reference marks for seduction. At least you have got a very large choice. A dating website allows tens of attempts a year. Whereas the life itself offers you the tenth of it. There are more “losses”, because there are more alternatives. You have just to be careful, not to fall into the trap of virtual dating. In other words: Play the game.