Decency and Intimacy

Where does intimacy take place nowadays? The eye of Web cam, that of the video monitoring captures each moment of our life… Between the power of the “look” and the fallacious ideal of transparency, are not we trapped in a dilemma which only leaves gaining voyeurism? If I shelter me, it means that I hide something, but if I show myself, I incur the judgement of the others, my “defects” suddenly are pointed out; the sins which the Christians say capital focus reprobation of well thinking. One should give to see only the virtue, and to disguise the remainder… That which asserts the intimacy thus seems to want to withdraw itself from virtuous control…
However, one easily forgets that a window is always opened so that Big brother or Big Mother keep looking on us with an inquisitor eye that shake our decency. Precisely, what about this decency? Isn't it too often confused with the prudishness? The shame of the body combined with the shame to be ashamed in the name of “decency”, “hide this breast which I could not see” said Tartuffe of Molière, the centuries passed but not hypocrites and even less censors.
However, love does not fit with the lack of intimacy: lack place, promiscuity, lack of time… If all occurs under the glance from the group, the pleasure of the body does not have its place. Lack of intimacy prevents from weavering links of a shared and delightfull sensuality. To live without intimacy, it equal to give up the right to decide what one does of his body…
The sexual practices are not exposed, one condemns people who shows his sexual organs, and masturbates in public…When some praise the “virtue” of monkeys (recent article published in the New York Times) which would be carrying the premises of human morals, they take care well not to quote in model the sexual behavior of certain primates which copulate to solve the tensions, while others joyfully masturbate while looking at…

What is the sense of decency?
Intimacy
nudism  and naturism
Intimacy in couples

Rédaction: Catherine Cudicio, Psychanalyste,

coordination éditoriale Sofia Hudiç

What is the sense of decency?

Latin word “pudor” means “shame”. The american homurist, Samuel Langhorne Clemens, better knowed by the pen name “Mark Twain” (1835-1910) used to say that “ Sense of decency appeared with the clothes discovery” But, he added “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.”
This sense of decency usually relates to body and sex. Children, and mostly girls has been taught to hide their body and become ashamed of it. Religion and social authority agree to constraint young people to chastity before marriage, so, every detail (thought, behaviors) that could be understood in a sexual meaning is potentially a sin that sense of decency has to stop.
So, sense of decency, is related to sexual pleasure and transgression of taboos. Maurice Dekobra,(1885-1973) a french writer, said : “ sense of decency is the most sophisticated vice representation, it accomplishes the hypocrisy of feeling”. In other words, sense of decency, modesty are essentially a female trick whose purpose is to enhance man desire.
Nowadays, these conceptions appears as old fashioned and instead of speaking of the sense of decency, most people prefer uses expressions like “human dignity”. The sexual repression is not dead, but it has to be equally shared between men and women...
Mother Teresa accused the “lack of decency” in societies to be the deepest cause of world decadence.
Decency is a border line that separate what can be showed from what has to be hidden. Of course, it is easy to understand that this limit is not the same for everybody, that it essentially depends on culture, religion, social habits...

Intimacy

A territory

Intimacy can be considered as a territory where rules of decency soften: private life. This place includes both family life, couple life, and individual life, that’s to say what you do and think when you are sure that nobody is looking at you...
Sexual life is strongly related to intimacy. Usually people do not exhibit their sexual behavior, they try to select a quiet place for making love. To fully enjoy sex, privacy appears necessary, it allows to relax, feel quiet, two conditions that need to be fulfilled first to let go up sexual arousal, second to obtain satisfying orgasms. When intimacy is not secure, man can loose his erection, woman loose her sexual desire, pleasure is excluded...

Changing through cultures and centuries
The question of privacy has to be placed in a historical and social perspective. The King Louis XIV, was supposed to “honor” his wife before witnesses, probably the same who looked at the birth of princes. Through centuries, only wealth people could own a house, a private bedroom is always a luxury that a lot of people over the world cannot get. In some traditional cultures a woman is allowed to repudiate her husband if she brings the evidence that he is impotent, so, witnesses representing religious authority are present during the sexual intercourse...

Always related to individual freedom
Intimacy is linked to individual freedom, of course, whatever happens in the private life escape from censors, and this fact is enough to make it suspect. Totalitarian systems cannot tolerate any space out of its control, most of religions use a belief of a god’s eye looking after everybody, preventing from sins, collectivism excludes intimacy saying that a pure and honest person has nothing to hide...

Nudity: nudism and naturism

Nudity is both related to innocence and indecency depending of viewpoint. In classical painting, angels are figured as nude and fat babies, symbols of purity and innocence. But nudity can also be a punishment, when God pushes Adam and Eva out of Paradise, they discover their nudity and feel humiliated and ashamed...

Nudity is the natural state of a human body. But clothing can be considered as a natural cultural behavior. Clothes carry many informations about gender, social status, wealth or poverty... Nudity reveals sexual organs and can be considered as an strong erotic signal. So nudity is also related to transgression, and it explains why conservative forces have always condemn nudity, and why contestation movements keep on using it.
French sociologist Jean-Claude Kaufman explains in his book “Corps de femmes, regards d'hommes” That naked breasts has been during sixties a mean of feminine contestation. But, most of the women who went topless on beaches should not have done the same in cities... Nudity has its own places...
Among cultures, nudity has different meanings. In North Europe, nudity is not shocking if sexual intercourse are not showed, for example, anybody can stay nude in a public garden. In others europeans countries, specially in South Europe, you can live nude only in private areas and if nobody can see you. Otherwise, it is considered as a sexual exhibition.

So, what are the reasons that motivate people for living nude? Usually, Sociologists invoke the sun tan fashion as an explanation of nudity. In Europe, only wealthy people could spend holidays at the sea side, sun tan became a social sign and progressively all social classes followed. Nudity of young children has been accepted for many years, but nowadays, because of pedophile one tends to keep children far from potentially dangerous eyes... Il is necessary to distinguish between nudism an naturism. The first consists in being nude, generally on the beaches and the purpose is essentially esthetic and hedonistic. This nudity can take place in a global body culture including fitness, body building. The body is given to see as an esthetic work... (Diane Webber picture 1960)

Naturism is nearer from an ideology, nudity is only a part of a whole attitude. Adepts of naturism are generally well organized in associations or clubs who follow strict rules. According to the adepts, naturism is a way of life respecting nature. Collective nudity is a typical aspect of naturism, in order to enhance self respect, care for others and environment.”
For example, being nude requires a strong control over what is called “emotions”, in other words, it means that you must not show any sexual message: no touch, no glance, no arousal. Nudity has to be “healthy”, so sex is prohibited...
Naturism requires a nature worship, you have to carefully select what you eat, most of naturists have chosen a special diete: vegetarian, macrobiotic. The body is not dedicated to pleasure.
Naturism also requires a close relation to nature: naturists are fond of outdoor activities as excursions or sports. They have to respect nature, animals, landscapes, plants and are often implicated in ecologists movements.
At least, naturism is not at all an individual attitude. In fact, you can not separate naturism of its group dimension: naturism is a collective “game”! The whole family is naturist, their friends also, and they meet in naturist clubs for collective naturism activities...

Intimacy in couples

How is it possible to conciliate both family life with couple harmony?

Sometimes, this deal seems impossible, specially when social activities and occupations are heavy. Coming back home, children needs love and attention, even if mother and father share housekeeping tasks, they often feel too tired for themselves!

Jenny, 31, gives her solution: “ whatever happens, week ends are dedicated to us. My mother or my mother in law welcome our two children for saturday nights...My husband and I agree about this, it is a good habbit, what is important is the quality of the attention we give to our children, not the duration...”

Samantha, 28 , prefers improvisation: “ we do not like too much organization, planning for love moments but when we exchange a glance, or one of our “secret codes”, it means that we need to be together. Our daughter is four years old, she goes to bed just after dinner, she is not allowed to come in our bedroom, we are very strict about that. Sometimes, we take a baby sitter and we go out for a romantic moment together...”

Courtney, 35,explains that the relation with her husband is turning into a complete failure: “ we do not have time for us, even to talk to each other, when he comes back home, he is exhausted, he does not say a word. So, our couple life progressively became a constant conflict. We give a lot of care to our children, that’s all, but this family life is not enough, and we plan to divorce soon.”

Why is it important to keep a couple life, apart from family life?
Some couples in conflict tend to accuse family life and occupation as an explanation for their difficulties. The durability of a couple depends on several elements, specially a sort of “couple culture”: shared experience, “secret codes”, ability of expressing feelings and desires. In a well balanced couple, children are not a problem, but a source of happiness, even when it can be complicated to protect couple life.

How is it possible to find time for couple?
First, it is necessary to talk about, to agree on a priority list! A couple life is like a garden, it needs a lot of care to be a place for peace, love, happiness, pleasure...
Usually, we never have time enough for house keeping or repetitive tasks, can we consider our couple life like one of these?
Another important thing is the “you and me” attitude, it is a perception posture very different from “the family”, or “I”, or “us”... The couples who keep this “you and me” attitude, necessarily take time for us, instead couples who think “family first” won’t find any.
the “you and me” attitude requires a space-time territory. These conditions are determinant and the couple has to organize places and moments that belong to them and they won’t tolerate any disturb in. For example, bedroom should be a place impossible to share with children, it is also a strong mean to teach them to protect and respect their own intimacy. When you systematically knock at the door and wait before coming in, your children will more easily accept to behave that way. Some moments can be “no disturb”, of course grandparents can be of a powerful help! If you cannot ask for their help, it is possible to find other parents and organize together, baby sitters also can provide a good solution.

Five useful receipts for overwhelmed couples.
When one feels “overwhelmed”, it is that one needs a dam, a rampart, in other words, the first thing to do is to fix limits. One is overwhelmed when one wants to assume too many things, therefore it is necessary to accept that we are neither superwoman nor superman.
We need to put some clear and strict reference marks: no work at home, no children in the parents bedroom, no family intrusion after 8 p.m.… Then, it becomes possible:
- To fully benefit from the time-sharing, even if it is reduced: to look at each other, smile, remember pleasant moments, to speak, ask for his (her) opinion the other, to listen to him (her)…
- To make certain tasks together: shopping, cooking, housework.
- To communicate: a sms, or an email with a loving thought will tighten the affective link.
- To take appointment to go together to the cinema, have dinner at a restaurant or simply take a walk
- To express one’s desire for the other.

When a couple cannot find time, does that reveal a deeper problem?
Lot of people believe that after marriage their life necessarily evolves from couple life to family life. So, they easily adopt habits, that threaten their sexual life, desire decrease, motivation progressively light down. This situation can be accept by many couples, because they do not have build a strong “couple project”. Instead of it, they try to be conform to social models. It is easier to play traditional and socially correct roles, than to be creative and accomplish one’s own couple project.